Radical Acceptance is a distress tolerance skill in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and it’s a transformative concept that can help shift our perspective into a space that allows us to find the answers we need by locking into the reality of the present moment, free of judgment and shame. As we take on a non-judgmental perspective, we rely on objective facts and recognize when we are fighting reality with denial, pain, anger, and resentment. This allows us to free ourselves by releasing what’s beyond our power and control. I will share a personal story to help it make sense.
In our site’s About page, I have shared a little bit about my own story regarding my past hospitalization, including family stressors that led up to the hospitalization (If you haven’t caught that yet, make sure you check it out to add more context to the following story). When I was discharged from inpatient, I had a family session scheduled with two family members, hoping that maybe we could all get on the same page and improve our relationships.
The session started something like this:
Therapist: “Hello, thank you all for coming in. I understand that you recently got out of the hospital and I am glad you are safe. What would you like to communicate with the family you brought with you today?”
Me: “I just was hoping that we could talk about some things that have really been tough and maybe we can get through stuff a little better.”
Family Member 1: (Comforting and open to the process) “Yeah absolutely. I think we can come together and improve.”
Family Member 2: (Defensive, stiff body language and arms folded across their chest) “I don’t really see the point in this. There’s nothing to really change anything so sitting around and talking about it? Not really sure what the point is in this.”
That was the first red flag in the family session. The individual who had created a devastating and negative impact on my life, truly was not interested in me, our relationship, or us healing and growing together. I tried to stay open throughout the session, but more negativity followed. Family Member 2 continued to make dismissive, hurtful, and negative remarks throughout the session:
“You’re the one with the problem.”
“I did that because I am dealing with my own stuff, so what?”
“Listen to the sound of my voice. I know more about this stuff and it’s really not that hard to just get over stuff.”
In my triggered mind, I thought ‘’I had just tried to kill myself in part because of you, you asshole, and all you can think about is how you don’t fucking care, or want to be here?” (I want to add that I can look back and acknowledge and accept that it wasn’t fair for me to blame this person for my actions. I was, and remain, responsible for me, my choices, my responses, and what I say. It was what I felt at the time.) With my inner dialogue feeling more hurt and further rejected at every dismissive, snide remark of this family member, reality started settling in. I began seeing reality for reality, every bit of it. I began realizing that today wasn’t just a red flag, but every day with this person had been a red flag. They were showing me who they were, and my pain and codependency often contributed to me making excuses for them and denying reality. I had readily been blaming myself for how they were behaving, and they were content with blaming me for their actions too, even though I had nothing to do with it. This uncomfortable experience was helping me see the reality of the present moment in a way I hadn’t acknowledged reality before. I was beginning to see the reality of my part in this relationship pattern, which was later going to help me make a decision about how to move forward in this relationship.
