I’ll give a few examples of why the yesterdays left me hopeless. I came from a family that did a lot of generational good in the community, whether serving in the military, providing church outreach, or working in healthcare and education. Acknowledging that many things can be true at once (maybe you can relate in your own family dynamic), my family also had its own generational “curses:” drug/alcohol abuse, domestic violence, verbal abuse, criminal activity, and constant visits to incarcerated family members. As a child in this dynamic, I remember being internally motivated to succeed to be my own individual, while also feeling tremendous external pressure from some other other family members, who didn’t want me to “be like so-and-so.” I tried hard to present myself well and excel in school, however I often felt unconfident and socially anxious, but I masked it well. I also didn’t understand the full impact that various traumatic experiences were having on me, in part because trauma was normalized as business as usual. For example, a family member showed up at my home in a fury with tears and a shotgun, crying and saying their goodbyes as they threatened to “blow their head off.” They jumped back in their car, tires screeching down the street. I was 13 years old, devastated and terrified. A family member called the police and we were informed that the suicidal family member may attempt suicide-by-cop, which would have resulted in them being killed by the police if they were armed and dangerous. With nothing else to be done, I was encouraged to “just do your homework,” because what else was I supposed to do?

Trying to get through that day, I recalled that same suicidal family member attempted to get me to learn to “be a tough son of a bitch.” I thought life was giving me that message as well. I was a sensitive child with a lot of compassion and empathy, but it seemed like having a heart was despised and more of a liability than an asset. I thought life experiences were teaching me to use anger as a shield of protection.

As I became an adult (numerically, that is), my own cycle of earning a mugshot or two saw me drift so far away from being a child of hope with straight A’s in high school. I was distant from the individual I once was with a college degree and promising talent. I learned how to drink (like my family) in bars with my “bar family.” I knew how to bottle up my emotions (literally). I knew how to be a nice guy- until I couldn’t take it anymore and then explode. Feeling stuck within internal and external chaos, I spent so much time hating myself, shaming myself, and arguing with myself about how things were never going to change and what a worthless POS I was. I grew up to become a young man with wasted potential. I became a part of the cycle I wanted to escape.

It wasn’t until I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt in my early 20’s that an exceptionally good counselor showed me the power of changing my thinking. She showed me CBT skills of challenging irrational thoughts and replacing them with balanced thinking. Even beliefs and world views that I was convinced were true could be challenged and replaced with a more affirming and balanced outlook. Now, this might not seem important to someone who is unfamiliar with feeling like you’re stuck in your own head and can’t quiet the negative self-talk, but this counselor gave me the glimmer of hope that I thought didn’t exist. I always thought I was a hopeless problem and nothing could be done about it. She helped me see that I could discover answers inside of me. If I was willing to learn, grow, adjust, challenge myself, and show up to work on the man in the mirror, maybe life could be different. Maybe I had value. Maybe I could fight like hell against the power of shame, stop trauma’s message of doom, and replace the hopeless assumptions about the future. Maybe I could change my thinking, processing and responding in a way that wasn’t rooted in shame and self-destruction. Maybe, even what they call God, loved me. I was convinced God didn’t love me. What was there to love? I didn’t even love me. My all-or-nothing brain wasn’t sure about the answer about such theological questions just yet…but it was nice for me to think that maybe I was loved unconditionally, without shame or hatred.

Upon discharge from the hospital, followed by a partial hospitalization program, and desiring to seek more answers, I found myself opening my bible and came across a passage that also began to change my life: “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”- 2 Corinthians‬ 10‬:3‬-5‬ NIV‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

There it was, kind of like how the counselor showed me. Maybe there was power to intentionally challenge, demolish, and replace every argument in my head that didn’t bring me peace. I am not telling you that you have to study or read any religious scripture. I have come to take great joy in reading and applying spiritual truths I find wherever I can find them, whether it be from various religions or philosophers. I am telling you that based on what the counselor showed me about the power of challenging and replacing old, outdated thinking styles, coupled with the previous passage about demolishing the strongholds and arguments taking place in my head- it finally all seemed more than a “Maybe.” I finally felt empowered to change my life from the inside out, and it was going to start with giving my beliefs, ideas, world views, and self-image new messages that fed my starving soul with hope for a future.

My first life changing spiritual truth was that I had the power to change my mind. In changing my mind, I would change my life. I could write a new life story that gave me hope. I could redefine, reinvent, and reclaim my life. I started reclaiming my potential and devoted my time to studying and applying anything and everything that stimulated growth and character development, challenged old ideas, improved my confidence and provided spiritual (Truth) foundations as a way to live an enriched, thoughtful and meaningful life of peace. I didn’t know the new mind I was developing already had a term for it: “Sober,” meaning unhurried, calm, and with thoughtful demeanor. The greek word for sober, nèphó, means “temperate,” “self-controlled,” “calm and steady” and “uninfluenced by intoxicants” (toxic people and intense emotions can be intoxicating and hold a strong influence over us, too). Nèphó also means “vigilant” and “circumspect,” meaning to “look around” or assess a circumstance before taking action (impulse control). To change my life, I truly needed to develop and utilize a sober mind. People ask me today how I am so “patient, steady and calm” under pressure. I laugh to myself because they don’t know what the journey has been like, but I am so grateful they see evidence of the work I’ve done on myself by developing and living the lifestyle of a sober mind. I do not live the lifestyle of a sober mind perfectly. I have my own triggers, annoyances, poor moods, and can hit a wall of exhaustion. I have learned it is not about being perfect. It is about being well. I am so thankful to be well, and there is still so much more to learn. Never think you have arrived. Stay hungry for growth and development with a sober mind guiding you.

Earlier, I shared how my Yesterdays left me hopeless. I want to tell you that your Today is beautiful because you’re in it, and I understand that might be hard to accept and take in- I get it. I can also tell you the truth is, who knows what beautiful things you may miss out on, so don’t give up. So many people I have known are no longer here…and I miss them. I think about them. And you’re thought of. And You matter. Hang in there Today. You might be closer to a better tomorrow than you think. Give yourself permission to change your mind, even if you are convinced nothing can change. Maybe it can.

One last thing: Don’t waste one more breath or precious moment of life on haters. They don’t share your destiny, but if you allow them to occupy your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual real estate, then they have ownership of you. Nobody owns you. Nobody.