You may have heard the saying “Our secrets keep us sick.” It’s absolutely true: The things we stuff, bottle, avoid, and keep a secret, becomes acidic and eats at us from the inside out. Here’s an example of what that looks like:
When I was a child, my parents bought a home, helped in part by my dad’s veteran benefits (former marine). There was a very tall, large tree near the back of the house in the back yard. One day as my dad inspected the tree, he noticed not only how tall it was, but that it began leaning- right towards our new house! Upon further inspection, he realized the tree was not as strong as it seemed. While it looked powerful and strong on the outside, it was becoming brittle, dry-rotted, and losing its strength on the inside. It became very clear that new house my parents bought became threatened with the very real prospect of being demolished by a tree that could crumble under its own weight! I remember the neighbors would help themselves and make it their business to walk into our back yard as they watched and conversed, while my dad worked and devised a way to remove the tree. They all had something to say but no one wanted to help. As my dad began the process of removing the tree, I remember being about 7 or 8 years old, thinking I was doing something big as I tried picking up a rope my dad tied around the tree, and pulling it with all my might away from the direction of the house. In a failing attempt to guide the tree away from the house, I have learned a) I wasn’t nearly as strong as I thought I was! The situation was too big for me. Sometimes it’s best I don’t prove that I’m the strong one. Sometimes it’s best to release and put down the rope, so to speak b) The tree was going to come down, one way or another, and there was no way around it. Some situations have already happened and constantly blaming, labeling, and beating myself up is going to only make me feel worse and disconnected. I don’t recall my father being in agony, crying out that he wished he bought another house and how foolish he must be. Now, he may have done that privately, but he ultimately decided to be empowered and take actions to do what was in his power to improve this situation c) Just because something is coming to an end doesn’t mean you, your family, your home, and the rest of your dreams have to come to an end with it. The tree falling was a forgone conclusion, but how it fell was up to the actions of my dad. Because he embraced actions that were in his power to do with foresight and consistency, my dad, to the surprise of doubting neighbors, saved our house and took the tree down himself!
Shame is like the tree. It threatens spaces where we are happy or have joy. Its shadow looms over good news. Sometimes shame seems so big, that even people around us, whether neighbors, friends, coworkers, or family, doubt anything can be done about its presence in life. It’s rotted, and I can guarantee that if you don’t talk about it and develop a way to address how shame is affecting your life, you will continue to feel hollow, helpless, hopeless, under immense pressure, and shame may needlessly produce a great fall in your life.
You are worth forgiving, loving, embracing, getting to know, and investing in. You may not believe that right now and I understand. You still need to read it. Shame doesn’t want you to talk about the pain that’s dissolving your life away. Honesty can be both painful and releasing. It can be scary to be honest about the painful things in life, and it can also be one of the best investments in yourself that you ever made! Make a commitment to not perpetuate stigma in your life with what you believe about yourself and how you speak to yourself. You get to choose who gets to be around you because your circle is sacred. People earn the right to be within it. You are not your thoughts. You are not the voice of shame.
