Shame can be difficult to release from our identity. Shame exists with several cognitive distortions (negative thoughts with a funhouse mirror version of reality). The cognitive distortions of shame include “All or Nothing” (either all of this or none of that), “Disqualifying the positive,” (nothing good counts because of something bad), “Emotional Reasoning” (I feel it therefore it must be true), among others. Shame thrives in our emotional brain and is drawn to shame’s warped, funhouse mirror perspective of reality. Shame’s flat out lies and partial truths reinforces the many feelings associated with shame, even though they are incredibly uncomfortable to experience! We can become stuck in the shame-loop because uncomfortable thoughts and feelings become familiar territory. We recognize the territory the more we hear it from others and experience it for ourselves, until it becomes a belief system and a lifestyle. Yes, shame can become a lifestyle. We can end up accepting shame as a part of ourselves and that it has a place in our lives. We recognize shame is there daily, like an annoying, moody, judgmental neighbor. Shame makes itself known to us, and even the survival mode that’s triggered by the destructive power of shame becomes a familiar experience.
Familiarity doesn’t mean acceptability. Our brains are so prone to survival that we can get comfortable being incredibly uncomfortable, even if it means we can just survive. I don‘t think you’re reading this because it is acceptable to merely survive anymore. You want to thrive! You know shame is both running and ruining your life.
Shame has you feeling:
Stuck
Hopeless
Afraid
Malaise
Exasperated
Life situations, behaviors, and circumstances, whether perpetrated by ourselves or others, can produce in us the impact of being frozen in time. We have a barrier that we can’t get past. We become Stuck, Hopeless and Afraid about a life event and circumstance, resulting in Malaise (general discomfort) and becoming Exasperated with intense frustrations and irritability because we feel like there is no way forward.
There is an opportunity to make a commitment to not perpetuate stigma in your life with what you believe about yourself and how you speak to yourself. Shame’s voice talking down to you is another form of self-harm, and I don’t think you truly want to harm yourself anymore. In this moment, you can begin to challenge the message of shame in your life, and replace it with self-empowerment, self-compassion, self-grace, and self-forgiveness. You also have the opportunity to choose who gets to be around you, because your circle is sacred. People earn the right to be in your circle.
In this 6 Part series, we will explore the different voices of shame. The power of shame is like a parasitic, destructive force that has closely tied itself to your personal identity. Shame feeds off hurtful (internal and external) statements and beliefs, and one method of working through a variety of deeply troubling personal experiences (like shame) is to develop language, behaviors, and points of view that externalizes shame as outside from how we truly desire to treat ourselves. Remember to begin viewing shame as an external entity and its own “thing” apart from you. I invite you to keep coming back to the following truths as we explore shame: “I am not my thoughts. I am not the voice of shame. I may feel ashamed, but I am not shame.”
