Was there pressure in your life to “put on a face and be happy” much of the time? You may now feel guilty when you experience unhappy emotions because of possibly experiencing punishment/shame for feeling/expressing “negative” emotions. There are plenty of other examples you have probably experienced for yourself. All these interactions, messages, and dysfunctional rules about emotions have probably caused you to feel “Emotions are my enemy!”
I also understand what it feels like to believe that emotions were my enemy. I want to clear something up: There is no such thing as “positive” or “negative” emotions. Emotions can be comfortable and uncomfortable, but let’s get away from labeling them as “good” or “bad.” As far as labels go, we have been there and done that, and it’s not working so well. If emotions aren’t good or bad, then emotions just are. Emotions are valid. They are your valid experience of the world around you. Emotions are information that help us learn about ourselves and how interactions in the world impact us and others. They help us gain insight, develop personal identity, set healthy boundaries, and connect with others around us. This doesn’t mean we solely go by emotions: the stronger we feel emotions, the greater risk for an impulsive behavior that we might regret later. Ever feel something super strong and then a little while later, come to find out, the emotional message didn’t align with the facts? Emotions are a valid experience, and we also check facts (what we actually know as facts, not just what we feel or possibly have a biased opinion about) before making a decision.
Remembering that you can feel a conflicting emotion and also respond to the present facts about a situation is an important skill to build. This helps us break the cycle of All-or-Nothing thinking and Emotional Reasoning (“I feel it therefore it must be true) and learn that we can validate our feelings while also using the facts to help us make a decision about an important need. There is a lot more space for “conflicting” things to exist together than it feels like. Instead of the All-or-Nothing this or that or one of the other, remind yourself that many things can be true at once: Both, and. For example: “This emotion both feels really bad and the fact is I am glad that I can at least express how I feel about it instead of bottling it up. I haven’t done that before.”
