Learning to manage emotions is one of the most important abilities that we can develop. To start the path of developing this ability, we have to start uncovering where the current points of view about our emotions come from.
Are you afraid to experience uncomfortable emotions or even allow yourself to fully feel pleasant emotions out of fear of being disappointed later? I get it and I can relate: Emotional Literacy was not something that I was taught growing up. As a result, I came to view emotions as an in convenience, a liability, and frankly, at times I found emotions to be utter bull crap. This all contributed to my inability to find lasting stability. Ultimately, I saw emotions as my enemy. Maybe you can relate to not wanting to experience uncomfortable emotions, and in pursuit of that, stuffing, avoiding, or numbing emotions in the process. Imagine having a stressful day, completely emotionally overwhelmed and drained. When you get home, you can’t wait for the perfect escape of sleeping or some other avoidant behavior. With these types of behaviors, your brain ends up learning that uncomfortable emotions = shutting down. The more we stuff, avoid, or numb our emotional experiences, the more we lose our emotional resilience and experience a disconnected “emotional wall.”
Here’s a kicker: Many of you may also be in a pattern of continually blaming yourself and telling yourself that you should (or shouldn’t be) experiencing certain emotions. Or, you tell yourself that you should be managing your emotions better, or some other self-shame/blame-filled experience. This is often rooted from early authority/peer figures in your life that set expectations about what was Okay vs. Not Okay for you experiencing, processing, sharing, and connecting with your emotions. Perhaps you have become so overwhelmed with what’s Okay vs. Not Okay to feel and it all bottles up inside until you explode.
Over time, I have grown to accept my feelings and actively practice connecting with my emotions to experience life more fully. In order to take the first step to that goal, take a moment and reflect: What were the unspoken/spoken rules about emotions in your home? Were some emotions more okay and valid than others? For example, if people were yelling a lot in your home, anger may have been what was valued while other emotions, like sadness, were considered “vulnerable” and “weak.” In this scenario, anger is most likely not explored to see what the anger is really about, because anger isn’t just about being angry, it’s about the emotions that are underneath the anger. Shame, hurt, and embarrassment are all common feelings underneath anger. These are very uncomfortable emotions to experience, and instead of feeling them, we may find it easier to feel anger, thinking this will help us avoid feeling “vulnerable.” We may not even be fully conscious that these other feelings are within, unless we spend time processing and exploring what’s at the root of the anger. When we observe and validate what’s really going on, give ourselves permission to sit with our feelings and not shame ourselves (or others) in the process, then we have the opportunity to experience relief and also begin to feel more fulfilled.
