Hope Hurts
I remember often hearing people say “hold onto hope!” during a speech or sermon. Martin Luther King Jr. said “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” I recall reading about the indomitable human spirit in a book or poem: “Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all,” wrote Emily Dickinson. Pssssh! Hope hurts! After so many disappointments, let downs, and difficulties, many times it felt like it was too hard to exist with the hurt that Hope seemed to bring- disappointment. Hope became a thing that only felt like it led to disappointment, and who wants to get your Hopes up for more disappointment? Who wants to open the door to more pain? Who wants to feel vulnerable and experience a sense of possibility, all for it to come crashing down and leave you feeling devastated- all because you put your Hopes up? Hope was a scary thing that I didn’t want near me because that was too painful to think about. Life’s roller coaster, that I didn’t ask to necessarily get on, got me closer to Friedrich Nietzsche’s point of view: “Hope, in reality, is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.” Imagine encountering that in an inspirational speech, sermon, or book! From my own life experiences, I understand Nietzsche on this point: Possessing Hope can hurt so bad, it can feel like it doesn’t bring about anything but prolonging suffering. I understand that Hope’s presence can be a source of burning pain, and we can desire for that blisteringly bright source of pain to dim and become an icy sheet of rock, because we may find ourselves doing nothing more than mourning the past, both longing and hurting for a better today, all while seeing a brighter future fade away. Of course we want to protect ourselves from more pain. It’s incredibly tempting to put out the light of hope.
Here’s the thing about Hope: It hurts.
Hope is the thing that’s kind of like a toddler talking during a movie at the theater, and they see the main character encounter a major setback. The little one only knows how to process ways the character can make it through, and so they keep bringing authentic questions of “Why not? Why can’t the person just do it? Maybe if they just believe in themselves, maybe it can work out!” We become jaded adults and call the kid naive. Maybe that’s why so many come to resent Hope- it feels naive. I think it felt naive for me, too. But, maybe these kids are onto something.
Hope Helps
Hope may seem like a naive child, but here’s the other thing about Hope: It helps. It’s pretty amazing the simple and incredible insight children can bring to complex “adult issues.” The uncomplicated, empowering, persevering message of hope, in fact, does say to “hold on, maybe it can get better.” Hope isn’t just a feel-good, pie-in-the-sky moment of inspiration, walking barefoot on the beach or watching white doves fly somewhere. Hope helps in real ways. Hope is tangibly developed and lived by intentional, thoughtful decisions to choose how to respond (locus of control) to life’s circumstances outside of your control (radical acceptance) in a way that helps you get closer to your vision and goals (look into SMART goals for a start). Hope is also lived by learning to talk to yourself as a friend (affirmations), and follow your impulses to take care of yourself, set healthy boundaries, put yourself first, and stop talking yourself out of the things that are good for you (this means developing coping skills for managing stress, growth in relationships, becoming comfortable advocating for your needs, and challenging cognitive distortions and replacing them with balanced points of view).
A friend reminded me that Hope is the outwardly quiet, internally loudest, biggest decision that helps you get out of bed. She said “getting out of bed this morning and taking care of me now is taking care of my future self.” When you’re laying there going back and forth with yourself in the morning about if you’re ready to get out of a warm bed, no one knows that internal decision but you. That’s comfort fighting Hope, because comfort prefers to stay neutral or the same; Hope inspires an action (that’s one reason why Hope is so courageous). When you get out of bed, that’s Hope working for you. If you’ve ever experienced severe depression, you know how freaking courageous it is to make that choice to get out of bed. Hope is also showing up as the self-care that helps you get ready for the day, even picking out the outfit which helps you feel good about yourself. Hope thrives in the daily “little” things, the same little things that make up the wins that only have meaning to you. The little wins let you know Hope is alive. The little wins help you feel connected with yourself and the world around you. That’s Hope showing up as creating and sustaining connection in your life. “Maybe it can get better.”
My wife studied musical theatre and is a phenomenal performer. We were discussing themes of Hope in various stories and performances, and she mentioned Cynthia Erivo (who is most notable now for her role as Elphaba in the film Wicked, which my family just recently enjoyed). Cynthia Erivo also performed the role of Celie in The Color Purple, and this character experienced many traumatic difficulties. Regarding the role of Hope in being absolutely essential to survive difficult situations and sustain us to a place of thriving, Madison made these observations:
“It’s impactful because you watch the main character get abused and mistreated, and she’s been a victim of so many injustices, yet she refuses to take this as her identity. When she sings ‘I’m Here,’ this is her declaratory moment that ‘I am not just a victim. Look at everything I’ve done!’” Through a lens of connecting with hope with tangible things and intentional actions, we see the character build hope with gratitude as she reclaims, reinvents, repurposes, and revitalizes her identity. Madison observed “I think the beautiful thing about the song is that she is saying ‘I’m here. It’s not that I’ve transcended or above with my feet not on the ground. It’s that I’m here. I am not a victim. I am who I am supposed to be and I am thankful for it. I am in the present.’ She had dark, horrible days not having hope, and now she is in this present place of declaring ‘I’m here.’ One of the lyrics is ‘I’m beautiful. Yes, I’m beautiful. And I’m here.’ Her hope was just to survive and to exist. Not just being a millionaire- People put their hope in money and in things instead of recognizing who they are and how far they’ve come. And the character still doesn’t have everything that they want, but she just has gratitude for everything that she has. She’s still working hard for everything, but the hope comes from recognizing the gratitude, who she is, where she came from and what she’s been through, and her rights as a human being. It’s so amazing!”
Hope hurts this character with disappointments. It also helped provide healing for this character by giving her an opportunity to validate her life, her experiences, and everything about her to be in this present moment. Madison suggested I put a link to Cynthia Erivo’s performance from The Color Purple. And it really is a powerful performance: I’m Here. If it helps to put the captions on and read the lyrics (if available), please do that! Reflect on the fact that you are here. You made it through. You, just because it’s you, are everything worth hoping for. You are here. That’s not a naive, childish thing to say. It’s a powerful fact worth validating and honoring.
Many things can be true at once and it’s important to challenge unhelpful All-or-Nothing thinking. Hope hurts and it helps. Hope gives us an opportunity to come back to important truth (foundation) statements, actions, and visions to help us stay grounded, as much as possible, in turbulent times. Hope doesn’t give up its hold on us, even when we’ve given up on it. It’s a wonder how Hope is so hard to destroy. Even when we thought it was obliterated, and as often has been tried, it stubbornly remains. If Hope is that tough and tender, creating both vulnerability and power at the same time, then maybe we can choose to be utter bada$$es with Hope in our lives. Hope remains, and we remain with it.
