The family session continued to go down-hill. Family Member 2 continued to sabotage any positive progress that the Therapist, Family Member 1, and I made. If the therapist brought up ways for us to better communicate, Family Member 1 said something like “I understand I have sometimes jumped to conclusions and haven’t heard you all the way.” I would acknowledge the same trait and we would commit to hearing each other out. Family Member 2 would torpedo the progress and try to intellectualize something “profound” like “If all people do is sit around and talk, then they just sit around and talk.” I responded, “We are talking about how to put different things into actions so we don’t keep doing the same thing over and over again.” Family Member 2, remaining defiant, came back with “That’s good, coming from someone who tried to kill themselves,” with a slight chuckle at the end. The reality of this situation was here and now. Reality was standing in front of me, staring in my face, and reality was not budging.
Family Member 2 had a problem with reality, just like I did, and they had their own way of dealing with reality. They refused to acknowledge and accept that their attempts to belittle, bully, control, diminish, change, or force another person (whom they said they loved) only made the circumstance worse. Their deflecting, projecting, and lashing out at others was their way of protecting themselves form the reality of their own actions and behaviors. Due to their lack of self-awareness/awareness of others, they also did not understand how to respond to the needs of the moment.
As stated in Part 1, Radical Acceptance is grounded in being intentionally aware and rooted in the present moment. Radical Acceptance gives us an opportunity, without shame, to acknowledge our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without trying to stuff, avoid, deny, or lash out. Instead of fighting against what is, we learn to acknowledge and accept the reality of what is here and now. To be absolutely clear, acceptance does not mean that you like reality. You don’t have to like reality. You don’t have to be a fan. You don’t have to be happy about it or jump up and down for joy about it. Acknowledgement and Acceptance means we come to the understanding that 1) Reality is Reality 2) Reality is reality whether I like it or not 3) Reality does not need me to force, control, or change other people so I can get what I want. In fact, this makes it worse! 4) Reality gives me to the opportunity to decide how I respond and act upon only what’s in my power to do to help me through 5) Anger, resentment and bitterness doesn’t change the reality of the past. It does make for a stressful, overwhelming present and feelings of disappointment for the future. To live in the past is to be a tortured prisoner of time. There is freedom in release right now, and remember, these are all intentional living concepts. Radical acceptance beckons us to make a choice right now about what’s best for our well-being, even when circumstances are awful and other people don’t see our value.
