Shame whispers one of two (or both) core statements in your ear every day, from the time you get up from another restless night of barely any sleep at all (and when you do sleep, you haven’t gotten any rest): “I don’t matter.” “I don’t like myself.”
“I don’t matter” and “I don’t like myself” can be so tightly stitched into the fabric of your core that it automatically becomes shame’s message to you daily, even as you go about getting ready in the morning. Perhaps you can relate to those moments of frustration and hopelessness, when the alarm goes off and you’re processing the bare minimum of what you need do to do in order to present somewhat socially acceptable on a daily basis. You start a mental and emotional roller coaster as the shame message of negative self-talk plays its familiar and destructive thoughts:
“Definitely remember deoderant.”
“Can I get away with not brushing my teeth today? OMG, You really are a stinky piece of s**t!”
“I’ll have to put on a face and a show at work. Again.”
“Actually I’ll call off.”
“No I can’t call off because I already called off last week and the week before. OK I guess I gotta go in. I’m sick of this s**t.”
“Damn, I forgot the family get together is tonight.”
“F***, it’s their birthday. Wait that’s tomorrow! Thank God. I know I should go but it’s not even my birthday so me not being there isn’t a big deal because I don’t matter anyway. Nobody will care, it’s just more drama. I hate this family.”
“I hate me. Why do I do this? It shouldn’t be that big of a deal to go to a freaking birthday. This isn’t what normal people do.”
“What is normal anyway?”
“Who am I even talking to? Why can’t I stop thinking??”
“Shut the f*** up!” you scream out loud.
Another mini nervous breakdown before 7AM.
Shame projects some of the worst negative self-talk imaginable. Maybe your negative self-talk may vary in intensity than in this example, but all that matters in this moment is that we truly recognize that shame is a running dialogue in our minds, most notably in negative self-talk. Shame makes us believe every awful, catastrophizing thought we have is true.
Shame is allowing you to talk to yourself in ways you wouldn’t let anyone else talk to you. You make an allowance to treat yourself as if you’re not a person because shame tells you that you don’t count. Make a commitment to not perpetuate stigma in your life with what you believe about yourself and how you speak to yourself. You get to choose who gets to be around you because your circle is sacred. People earn the right to be within it. You are not your thoughts. You are not the voice of shame.
