What I like to call “Non-Judgmental Self-Awareness” (an aspect of mindfulness) is a pillar in managing emotions. It is developing the ability to just “sit” with your feelings. If you become aware of having a case of the “shoulds” or “shouldnt’s,” gently remind yourself that you are “shoulding” all over yourself and that leaves us feeling messy! Now is the time to develop a “friend” approach to your emotions. I’ll tell you why this is important:
If you read the first blog in this series, we will again reflect on early-life messages you received about emotions. Which ones were okay vs. not okay to have? What messages were given about how you should show certain emotions, in a certain way? Was there a stigma about some emotions and what you shouldn’t do? Did these rules apply to everybody, or were some people allowed to feel certain things and others weren’t? If you were getting a lot of shame-filled, inconsistent messaging about emotions, no wonder you feel like “Emotions are my enemy!” Life experiences reinforced an unhealthy belief system about what you feel, how you feel, when you feel, and if you express it, stuff it, avoid it, numb it, etc. It is time, as the saying goes, to “Make Friends With Your Emotions.”
To develop Non-Judgmental Self Awareness, imagine making friends with someone. To get to know this individual, you ask questions to learn about them from a place of authentic curiosity:
- Observe
- Get Curious
- Ask Questions
- Validate (There is no should or shouldn’t)
- Accept
These are non-judgmental steps to help us authentically feel what we feel without getting mad about being mad, sad about seeing sad, etc. These steps are important because as we move forward, you are going to redefine your relationship with yourself, and that includes accepting all of you, even when you feel uncomfortable, confused, or hurt- and not judging yourself for it.
