Overcompensating for Shame with “I don’t like myself.”
If you’re like some people, shame may trigger in you the desire to hyperfocus and overcompensate to prove you have it together, and you go to work like a “bad ass and do bad ass shit.” And you get good at that! As another successful day is winding down, you think:
“I got this. I dunno why I had a rough morning. I’m just stressed, I’ll be fine lol.”
You’re right. You will be Fucked-Up Insecure Neurotic and Emotional!
What’s so sinister about the cocktail mix of denial and shame is that you may even believe you have more control in your life than what you actually do because of the presence of success in your life. You might even have what others consider as great and enormous success. Success is shame’s best cover to keep operating in your life. Shame wants you to become comfortable enough with its presence in your life so that you can function in it well enough so you won’t challenge it as a liability. If you keep having successes in other areas in life, shame becomes an asset, so it can’t really be that big of a deal, can it? Having mini freak outs multiple times a week? You still look like you got it together, and you haven’t completely fallen apart…. have you? You may even compare yourself to others to help reassure yourself that you’re doing well.
Even with successes, no wonder you’re still exhausted from trying to quiet shame’s gnawing bite in your life. Deep down, you still feel
Stuck
Hopeless
Afraid
Malaise
Exasperated —
— With something to prove: to yourself. To your ex. To your parent(s). To anybody that will pay attention. If applicable, could this be partially why people tell you that you’re “so defensive all the time?”
Shame is like a politician that won’t tell the truth and will say anything but the words “I was wrong.” Is your experience with shame like that politician, desperately wanting to be right because like the rotted out tree from the example earlier, you feel empty and wrong so much of the time?
If you can relate, pause for a moment and reflect to answer the following questions: What does being right do for you? Why does it mean so much for you to be right?
Shame still wants to fly under the radar, convincing you its presence isn’t there. Shame is like a parasitic hype man, convincing you that it can stay in your life as long as you are accomplishing some amazing things. You might be! For shame to remain in control of your life, shame is willing to make space for its existence in your life by whispering in your ear to: Deny, Minimize, Rationalize, Justify, Project your negativity onto others, and Distract away from painful truths to accept. Shame is so powerful that you may be aware of all these activities in your life, and yet you still think the trade off for success is worth it. You could be constantly jumping success to success, but never even being able to take a compliment.
There is an opportunity to make a commitment to not perpetuate stigma in your life with what you believe about yourself and how you speak to yourself. Yielding to shame is another form of self-harm, and I don’t think you want to truly want to harm yourself anymore. In this moment, you can begin to challenge the message of shame in your life, and replace it with self-empowerment, self-compassion, self-grace, and self-forgiveness. You also have the opportunity to choose who gets to be around you, because your circle is sacred. People earn the right to be in your circle.
When it comes to challenging upsetting thoughts like the voice of shame, remember these 3 Truths: 1) you are not your thoughts, you have thoughts. 2) Check the facts and be willing to change your mind. There is a lot of evidence to the contrary of shame’s all-or-nothing, overgeneralized and emotionally reasoned view of your existence. 3) Don’t believe everything you think. Your thoughts, even powerful thoughts coming from the voice of shame, are not your identity.
You are not the voice of shame, and yielding to shame will no longer be a part of your daily life. As always, working with a therapist and/or appropriate support group would be a powerful support to help you develop healing in this area.
